You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
