i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
