you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
