census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
