I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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