What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
