Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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