in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
