Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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