The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
