just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
