I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
