Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
