just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
