she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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