i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
