covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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