I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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