Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
