dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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