They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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