Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
