I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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