so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
