So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
