Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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