where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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