Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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