Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
