No stitches, just platelets and will power
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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