I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
