you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
