meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
