Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
