I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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