dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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