I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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