when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
