1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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