i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
