Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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