My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
