i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
