this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
