I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
