It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
