So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
