Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
