the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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