just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
