false alarm. still invincible.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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