I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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