I am spending my child support on dildos
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
