I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Randomize
