That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
