im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
whose parrot is this?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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