Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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