I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
