i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
