i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
