Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
